Hollywood’s Hottest

By Ryan Leake
November 8, 2011

Let’s play a little game of “Who Am I?”:

Clue: I am female and have black hair.

Too vague?  Let’s try another…

Clue: I have, to put it delicately, a full and voluptuous figure.

Have an idea?  No?  Keep guessing…

Clue: My father is an attorney and of Armenian descent.  My mother is a housewife of Dutch and Scottish descent.  I’m way more popular than my two sisters.

What about now?  Almost too easy right?

Last Clue: I’m rich and famous for absolutely no reason.

Anyone who answered Queen Latifah is absolutely incorrect.  The correct answer is Kim Kardashian, and the latter clue is actually erroneous; she is rich and famous for a reason…she’s hot.  In this age of surgical enhancement, crash diets, and exercise gimmicks, being hot matters.  If you’re hot you can score the lead in a movie with a severe case of LOFT (lack of f______ talent).  If you’re hot you can make a sex tape and parlay it into a TV show where you and your friends are paid to be morons.  If you’re hot you can be a musician without ever actually writing your own music or lyrics.  If you’re not hot you can be made hot and win the adoration of the pop culture world.  Even if you used to be hot you can captivate society by marrying outside your age bracket, marrying multiple times in a one-year span, or forgoing marital bliss for an unblemished spread in Playboy.

If we take a closer look into what Kim Kardashian has accomplished we come to find that she’s a poster-child for hot, talent-less women across the globe.  She hasn’t been the lead in a movie but she’s done the sex tape and TV show things.  She married, and soon after divorced, a music producer who apparently didn’t take her turn as a pop star very seriously.  She attached herself to NFL stars Reggie Bush and Miles Austin (both younger) out of pretension; appeared on Dancing With the Stars to show how playful (and clumsy) she could be; and completed her turn as a modern-day renaissance woman by posing as one of Hef’s centerfolds.

Clearly Kimmy knows what it takes to be hot; and how to make something out of nothing.  Before Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Playboy, or her corruption of the NFL she was known simply as a “Socialite”.  What the hell is that?!  You mean she was famous for showing up and talking to people!?  What a croc!  Well yes…it is a croc…and it goes to show how savvy women can be when they’re hot and marketable.  Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge, Kristin Cavallari…what good do they serve (besides keeping TMZ employees employed)?  What do they provide to the average American?  Nothing.  They are good for nothing.  But they are really good at making you believe they’re necessary.  Honestly, what would you do without them?  Would you spend as much time on the internet?  Would you watch as much TV?  Would you pick up US or People while waiting in line at the grocery store?  Probably not…because nobody says: “I wonder what’s going on with the average looking girl on the cover of that magazine?” (if you choose the human interest story over celebrity bikini pics I commend you).  That’s what Kimmy, et al, are good at.  That’s why they’re rich and famous.  Because they know that you know that they know you can’t function without them.  And that’s why I was rooting for Kimmy this time around.

I haven’t been a big fan of how the starlet grips contemporary culture: too much make-up and fashion and glitz and glam and texting and ugly dogs and uncomfortable shoes and accessorizing.  But I am a huge fan of hot women; and every hot woman deserves a break.  Although I haven’t developed much faith in celebrity marriage, my heart was out there for Kimmy and Kris Humphries.  Coach Campo and I were enjoying some time at home (he in his infamous chair) when the announcement was made that Kim and Kris were to be wed.

“Yo-yo…hhhela…how long do you give it?”  He asked in his best little gremlin voice.

“Three months.”  I replied reluctantly.

“That’s it?!  You don’t think it’s for real?”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s real.  It’s simply not the way of the diva.”

What I meant was, whether or not they actually love each other is inconsequential.  A successful marriage cannot exist for women whose subsistence is based on being hot.  For hotness to stand the test of time, those who are hot must appear attainable.  They must persist by constantly tantalizing the multitudes with their availability.  How did J-Lo get her groove back?  She ditched the husband, signed on to host American Idol, and assisted with an awful advertising campaign for Italian car manufacturer, Fiat.  Crystal Harris?  Pretended to like the previously mentioned octogenarian millionaire, left him at the altar, and somehow managed to spin “misfortune” into a fortune.  Becoming and remaining hot requires detachment from substance.  Relationships and marriage are recipes for obscurity; and the new-age female celebrity is defunct without staying single and desirable.

In keeping with the theme of our fall season, a love affair with Baseball; so it goes that I was rooting for love.  I was hoping KiKa would be different.  I was hoping she would appreciate her run of wealth and fame, disappear with her Prince, and live happily ever after.  I was hoping she’d see how well America had been manipulated into thinking she mattered and give up hotness for true love.  I was hoping she’d understand how well hot had treated her and that it was time to choose a Hollywood ending.  But as we all know, the Hollywood ending is no match for Hollywood reality and KiKa just couldn’t bare the thought of losing her luster.  Therefore, after 72 glorious days where the world pined for love, KiKa commandingly repossessed her hotness, and left the marriage 18 days prior to my estimated divorce date.  Sure she addressed the public with lamentations on how hard the episode had been and how the impending divorce was going to wrench her heart.  Sure she pleaded with talk and radio shows about how much she really, seriously, honestly was in love.  Sure she was captured in agony by paparazzi.  Sure, sure, sure…that’s sooo Hollywood; that’s sooo hot!

In celebration, and remembrance, of Kimmy’s wedded bliss I thought it fitting to recognize the effect Hollywood has had on the world of Baseball.  Once I caught wind of their separation I knew the Santa Clara Baseball team had to honor the tradition of failed Hollywood marriages by honoring its greatest achievements in Baseball cinema.  With Kim’s (and every other hot girl’s) grief as motivation our program took part in a poll to determine Santa Clara’s favorite Baseball movie (key word is FAVORITE…far different than BEST).  Therefore, in the ensuing weeks we will unveil the top 5 Baseball movies, as determined by players and staff, counting down from 5 to 1.  Like any bad movie I’m going to leave you without providing any sort of substance in this installment.  But like any good movie I will leave you with a clue as a cliffhanger to entice you to come back and see where your favorite baseball movie stacks up.  Feel free to comment, complain, plead, demand a recount, create your own poll out of spite, or, if you dare, agree, at any time.  I, we, Santa Clara Baseball, hope you enjoy our discussion of these classics and ask you to continually support the hotness of Hollywood and America’s Pastime.

Here is a set of clues to help you with Baseball Favorite #5:

  1. The leading actress is definitely the hottest of any in the top 5
  2. She fits the Kardashian mold of not being very talented, but getting work, money and fame based on appearance alone
  3. Unlike Kimmy and the other women mentioned in this pointless blog, the actress is very naturally hot
  4. She sports (pun intended) red hair in another sports movie with Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr.

…oh wait, these were supposed to be clues for movie #5, not the actress…I guess it shows how we’re all transfixed by HOTNESS.  Stay tuned…

— Coach Leake


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